mutter mutter mumble

I realized today I have developed a bad habit of muttering and mumbling under my breath about things that make me angry and  know unequivocally I cannot say out loud. I want to be vicious and mean and say awful things out loud but I don’t because if I did it would inflict unheard damage to the essence of the person I’m muttering about. I say them but only so I can hear. Others know I am speaking but have no clue I am being a wretch. They most certainly know I’m unhappy, angry, frustrated by my clamped up huddle. I’m sure I take on the appearance of Gollum as I peer out from underneath the veil of negative emotions.

Behaving this way is a bit like a child having a tantrum without actually throwing myself on the floor kicking and screaming. I need to resolve to quit acting like a child. I’ve been getting after Blossom for the same behavior. It’s no wonder! She has a mommy who does it! If I have to literally bite my tongue to stop this I must stop it. If it’s not worthy of airtime, keep it in the bottle for it certainly is not perfume but a foul odor that will taint my surroundings for the rest of the day.

My Momminess requires me to have a super power. One where I have to sort and prioritize declarations on the fly brought about by forever having too much on my plate, under the rug and behind every door. I’ve been exposed to kryptonite which is rendering my super power weak. My kryptonite is lack of sleep and feeling overwhelmed by jobs that never seem to get done. I seem unable to overcome the sleep aspect but I can beat down the other by requiring more of others to help me get the day to day things done.

I’m restless and unsatisfied. I just need to stop being so hard on myself which is probably the worst kryptonite because it comes from within.

In the meantime, I’ll wait. Try to take five or ten minutes and just be still, quiet and away from everything that fills my head with noise and strive to calm the restlessness.

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Linking up this morning with Shell at Pour Your Heart Out after a morning of frustration and fatigue.

Tired and the Art of Exhaustion

Is there another word to describe tired? If there is, I need it. I am tired on so many different levels and in so many different places there has to be a new word. Looking at a thesaurus I see a bunch of words.

Like exhausted. Yep, that’s me but it’s more than exhaustion it’s deeper than exhaustion. It’s worn into me like a tree growing through a rock. It doesn’t seem like a tree should be able to grow through a rock, but persistence and wear grind through until it shoots through and there it is; a tree growing in a rock.

How about weary. Uh huh. Weary. If weary means I’m fed up with feeling exhausted from the moment I wake up until the time I should go to bed, and then I’m tired but wide awake and unable to fall asleep. The lid to my music box finally closes and I shut my eyes in relief only to have the lid thrown open again and I, like the the little ballerina who spins around, start my dance again because the box seems be endlessly wound.

Wasted. Getting closer! Yep, that one has meaning on several different levels. It could work. Have you ever watched a show about a person addicted to heroin? I feel like those people look when the hit of heroin really kicks in. Eyes drooping, body slack and incapable of functioning normally. The difference is, I don’t WANT to feel like that. I want to be invigorated and energized, but the lack of weariness and exhaustion are like that hit of heroin leaching the life and well being right out of me. My time is wasted by the endless fatigue and it destroys me emotionally because all I can think of is when will I ever get some good sleep.

Perhaps it isn’t just one word. Tired wears you down, it exhausts you physically and emotionally, it wastes your life, your happiness, your relationships. It’s these words and more. I could choose tuckered out, worn out, beat, broken, droopy, or spent. They all describe a part of my “tired” and it’s really all of those and more.

I guess I just need to be satisfied with tired.

I’m tired.